As we look forward to the clocks changing allowing lighter evenings and the prospect of some sunny days - and even a chance to leave the house... I thought it a good time to bring you the second edition of motor-moaning. I hinted in the previous episode about the campfire challenges. This is a combination of the exploits of a Dad's cooking experiences whilst in the camper van and also, the more terrifying use of 'gas' and 'fire' in such small spaces...
It starts with the gas. I've always been a bit wary of the van 'gas'. It's almost as though it's a creature in itself. You might say "is the gas there", "have you checked on the gas" and "is the gas balanced" or "where's the gas gone?". The final one of these being the time you have to change the gas - an absolute nightmare and has caused us many a panic... Especially the time, when on a day trip to the beach, I forgot to close off the valve before trying to remove the inlet pipe. The release of gas, which could have caused an explosion... was so ferocious that it set off the alarm of the car parked next to us. I didn't make that mistake again!! Oh, and remember, you won't just have the van gas itself but you also carry small gas canisters for the BBQ and outdoor cooking gear. Like little 'mines' on board the van - who's idea was this again!!
Anyway, once the gas process is mastered you can move on to the actual cooking. This is a delight, you go from your good sized home kitchen (which you have always said is too small) to a minute tin can with no chance of swinging a gnat, let alone a cat. However, I do like the fact that washing up is at the absolute minimum as you basically try to use one utensil for everything...
Simple, let's cook outside instead - good plan.
In setting up outside, you realise that as this is Dad's turn to cook, things will be easy: meat and bread products, none of that fancy veg - "pass the grill, I have a plan". A feast of burger, sausage, chicken and baps later; all is good. Unfortunately, you had forgotten it was your job to empty the Thetford toilet cassette - that will be heavy this time around!
As I mentioned, the 'campfire' or whatever more modern facility for cooking you now have, will strike back. This certainly happened to us on one occasion. We had decided to invest in a great bit of kit called a 'Cob'. This was a type of BBQ but round and designed for larger meals including a domed lid to help distribute heat and also allowed for a whole chicken with vegetables etc. A great bit of kit we thought. The only issue was, it used circular fire stone type brickettes - that lasted ages. This caused some challenges when you were only cooking something quickly but wanted to store the Cob safely at night. "I have an idea" I said, "I'll use the oven gloves and tongs and remove the stone. Great plan we thought, as I considered where to place the red hot stone. "I'll pop it down here on the grass, I'll just move it around a few times to help it cool and turn it over a couple of times too". "We can sort it in the morning". "Now let's get back inside - turn the gas off."
Following what can only be described as a patchy sleep, which is something you will come to learn if you 'camper van'; there's never enough room to sleep. We rub the sleep from our eyes and open the van door. All looked clear and the sun was out. Kettle on; I decided to check the stone. What I had neglected to consider was that the stone was still very, very hot last night and a better place to position it would have been the hard standing. As I look across to the stone, still lying on the grass, I am greeted by a number of large charred black circles with a small hole in the centre, a further one beneath the stone as I remove that too. Much like huge black polo mints. Oh - the pristine grass now looking like it had acne!
Quickly everyone, time to pack up and go. Let's get out of here was my strategy for the day!
As for one of the most entertaining experiences involving fire, it has to be on a trip to Durdle Door, on the Jurassic Coast in Dorset. We had made the trip there on a sunny bank holiday weekend and it was packed... There were loads of visitors and, during the day, the main car park was rammed full with people lighting their portable bbq's wherever they could. As the day wore on and it became time for those day-trippers to leave and allow those staying the night to enjoy some peace and quiet, it was time for everyone to be good citizens and put out their portable bbq's before leaving. Sadly, for one gentleman, he decided to use his foot to extinguish the final few embers. "Mum, look over there, that man, why is his foot on fire?" our daughter said. We gazed across the car park to a scene of an adult man hopping on one foot waving his foot in the air and then attempting to stamp out the flaming Nike in the longer grass - it's a shame the bubbles are filled with air not water...
Beware... the campfire strikes back!
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